i've decided, i'm going to put it out there. this year i've been holding so many things in, because i didn't want people to know how i really felt. i wanted to be able to handle things calmly. i wanted to not raise any issues. just smooth sailing. but the reality is, holding things in made things worse. perhaps formed some grudges which i'm honestly trying really hard to let go of. but saturday reminded me that i really haven't and there's still a little bit of me under the influence of negativity.
i'm afraid of rejection.i take it too personally.When I really want something, you probably won't hear me talk about it much. If it REALLY means something important to me, you'll probably think I could care less about it based on any conversations we might have. I'll talk about it as if it's no big deal, brush it off like it's insignificant. But in reality, it means more than I dare express. Because if I express the desire, and it is taken away from me, I will fall.
I've realized that recently, I have developed way too many "mini-grudges" against a lot of different things/people. Not because you personally have wronged me, but my past experience with "your group" or similar people has led me to be weary of my interaction with you. I have become skeptical and reserved, or outwardly express negative feelings. But deep down inside, I'm trying to fight off the hurt while these wounds heal.
today, i was thinking about auditioning for Western Mustangs Dance Pack. So I went home and researched what was required for the audition. I don't have jazz shoes, and I dunno how well of a dance I can choreograph in a few days. But it's kind of discouraging, that I won't have the imagined life I might have lived this coming school year if I had some how made the dance pack. It would be different for sure. I think I'm still stuck in this "exploring" stage where I'm asking a lot of "What if"s and not actually doing anything about it to find out what
would happen.
I think I just want some sort of significant change in my life. To break out of this routine. Because honestly, it has become just that. I'm not sure if my heart's in it anymore.
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i'm afraid to dream
because they might be shattered
sometimes, it becomes overwhelming, not talking about what i really want. sometimes i feel that i should keep it to myself, because if i talk about it, it seems as if I am trying to implant ideas into people's minds. or that i'm trying too hard, or that i'm trying to use connections. sometimes, i'm even more afraid to try when I know that I have connections not because i'm afraid of "Getting in using my connections" but because they will be harsher, stricter, more judgmental, hold higher standards, because
they don't want it to be "a connections thing".
often, i fall to expectations. a lot of the time, it's an expectation i made up. I do things, because I think it is expected of me, that if I didn't do it someone would look down on me. that if i didn't do anything about it, i would be acting selfishly, and that i would be disappointing someone
. a lot of this time, this is the dominating thought in my mind. and therefore, as the people-pleaser that i am deep on the inside, i throw my wants out the window to meet the expectations of others that i have created. at the end of the day, i am upset, tired, and disappointed in myself.
i'm afraid to have my heart broken
